


Maybe it's not wrong

by SunsetSwish



Series: ShHiatus Bingo Prompts (Team Red) [18]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Character Death Fix, Character Turned Into a Ghost, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 20:46:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14433750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunsetSwish/pseuds/SunsetSwish
Summary: Soulmate AU where soulmates are tied to each other even in death. They're meant to reincarnate after both partners pass but when one of them is immortal… well.SHHiatus Flash Bang Bingo (Team Red)Square: Soulmate AU





	Maybe it's not wrong

 

Magnus sees Alexander watch him with fond exasperation when he pours himself a third glass of whiskey. There was ice in the glass the first two times but he doesn't care about it by now, he just wants the alcohol.

"Are you ignoring me?" Alec's voice asks.

Yes. Yes, ignoring him is what Magnus fully plans to do. Talking to Ragnor's ghost was one thing, talking with his dead husband is a whole other level of madness he's not quite ready for. It's enough he lost Alec three days ago, he doesn't need to lose his mind too.

 

He sees him again in the morning. Alec is standing in the light of morning sun, looking out the window when Magnus drags himself out of the bedroom in search of something to help his headache. And heartache.

His breath catches in his chest when Alec turns and smiles at him. He looks the same as he did the year they'd met. He's even wearing clothes Magnus very vaguely remembers seeing him in some time during their fight against Valentine and then against his demonic son and Lilith.

"You knew it was going to end like that." Alexander says the same way he would speak to Magnus in the past whenever he did something the Shadowhunter thought to be inadvisable.

"I do not need 'I told you so's from ghosts, thank you very much."

He'd love to go ahead and just open another bottle before he even has breakfast but he knows there's no difference between dealing with a hallucination sober or drunk. In fact, it'd only make it worse.

Magnus continues to ignore not-Alec from that point on and summons himself something to eat and then has coffee while the apparition sits on the armrest of his blue armchair.

"I wish…" Not-Alec starts, then hesitates.

Magnus doesn't want to hear whatever it is his dead husband wants to say in his hallucinations.

He stands up and turns away to put the coffee cup in the sink.

 

He doesn't want to go out, he's not ready to be anywhere near other people and he also doesn't want to be completely alone, if he portaled anywhere like a mountaintop. He wants to stay home, even if staying in makes him get worse.

Not-Alec stays in the living room.

Desperate for distraction, Magnus looks through his apothecary. He had requests to fulfill when Alec's health took a dip and they both knew it was soon going to be over. After the Nephilim funeral, which Magnus attended, he spent the two following days sleeping, occasionally eating and mostly spacing out. At least he wasn't having hallucinations then.

He manages to focus on potions for a good while until his thoughts begin to stray to memories and emotions flood him again.

His hand shakes at one point and he accidentally knocks a bottle off the table. Too slow to catch it, he can only watch it go down. Out of nowhere, not-Alec makes an attempt to grab it too but the bottle passes right through his hand and crashes on the floor.

"Damn." Not-Alec says. "I thought it'd work."

Magnus lets out a nervous laugh. "You're not here. You can't touch what's _here_."

Not-Alec shrugs. "It worked on your curtains earlier."

"Were you fondling my curtains? And, of course, it was _not_  a wind? Congratulations." He adds the last word bitterly.

"There are no open windows." Not-Alec replies matter-of-factly. He raises his hand and reaches over to Magnus as if to touch his hand.

Magnus startles when he feels a current pass through his hand. It feels like a magic spell done on him. Wide-eyed, he looks up at not-Alec's face.

"See?" Not-Alec says, for whatever reason sounding… relieved? "It's not just in your head."

"The hell it's not. Sensations go through my brain. I could feel cold or hot, I could feel a cat touch my leg and that'd be proof of nothing if a cat wasn't supposed to be there." _Just like you aren't supposed to be there._

"Magnus." Not-Alec says, that way he'd always speak to Magnus when they were alone. Softly, almost quietly. "You're angry with me."

And that's it. That's enough to break through his determination not to let not-Alec ruin everything with his appearance.

Magnus's eyes burn and then he feels them getting wet.

"Of course I'm angry! You're not here anymore!"

He moves to get up from the chair but not-Alec drops to one knee beside him.

"I'm sorry." He makes a move to take Magnus's hand between his but he can't hold onto it, instead giving Magnus more of the tingling sensation. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to stay."

"I know." He sobs, because it's the truth and it means nothing.

"I love you." The ghost tells him.

All of his body feels like it's in pain and it has been this way since Alexander passed away.

 

Magnus wakes up the next morning, as he knows he will the next day, and the next day, and a year from now he will wake up once more without Alexander.

He goes to take a long morning shower and while he washes himself, he notices something dark blue on the inside of his forearm, above his wrist. It is a drawing and now that it has drops of water on it, it's clear it was made by a pen. The drawing is of a cat, crooked and somewhat touching, since the artist obviously had no previous experience drawing cats.

_… that'd be proof of nothing if a cat wasn't supposed to be there…_

He doesn't wash the cat off, lets it stay on his skin, crooked and now smudged.

Not-Alec smiles at him when he comes into the living room. Not-Alec is sitting at their table, apparently waiting. He doesn't have food in front of him, or anything to drink, as real Alec would have had.

"Why are you still there when I ignore you? Aren't you bored?"

"I'm not bored." Not-Alec replies seriously. "And I will wait until you want to talk to me."

*

"Why are you here? Why haven't you passed on to wherever Nephilim go to after death?"

"Maybe because I wanted to stay. And you wanted me to stay."

"But not like this." Magnus says helplessly. "I don't want to tie you down, keep you from resting."

"I'm not tired." The ghost tells him, patient as ever. "And I rest when you sleep."

"And this?" Magnus asks him, lifting up his arm.

Not-Alec smiles at the drawing, drops his eyes the same way he always did when shy or embarrassed by something. "I know you won't take that as proof anyway. After all it's just an image, it may be created by your mind."

"Yes, that's what I was thinking." And then, "Were you sitting beside me in the middle of the night, drawing this with a pen?"

"Yeah… sorry. I had to stop a few times because I thought I was waking you up. It's why it's so uneven, I guess."

Magnus tilts his head, watching Not-Alec. "Maybe I should invite someone in, ask them if they see this."

"They won't see _me_."

"Of course, I thought not."

They sit in silence and for once it's not making Magnus's skin crawl to be in the presence of a ghost. He takes in all the details of Alexander's youthful face, the one that had changed and acquired wrinkles over the years, the one scar on his chin from a fight and one barely visible scar high on his cheek that became more pronounced only when his pale skin caught a bit of a tan. They're not there now.

And when Alec is looking back at him, Magnus knows he isn't seeing any change. Yes, a different hairstyle that he didn't bother to maintain these past days, different eye-shadow, a new earcuff gifted to him by Alec himself. Aside from those details he hasn't changed in all those long years they have spent together.

*

He goes to Catarina. She is happy to see him and probably relieved to see him out of the loft and willing to meet with people.

He sits down heavily on her couch and stays silent. She lets him. She brews tea for both of them and once done she puts a mug in his hands, not saying  a word. Then she sits down.

"Madzie would like to see you but she knows we have to wait for you to tell us it's okay."

"I know, I will send her a fire message soon. Where is she, by the way?"

"Oh, Mongolia, I think. At least it was last time I was in contact with her." Catarina grins. "She's met some warlocks roughly her age. Now they're 'too cool' to hang out with us old people."

Madzie has looked twenty five for the last thirty six years. She grew up to be a smart, lovely woman and as expected, a powerful warlock. Now she's looking for her own way through life.

She was there for him the day when he first shared the news of Alec's passing.

"You know I'm going to ask you how you're feeling."

"I'm devastated." He says frankly and meets her gaze.

She smiles sadly because she knows.

 

He doesn't want to keep up small talk to distract himself and he doesn't want to speak his heart yet. It is too early for all kinds of words. So he shows her a photo instead. It is a photo of his skin and the cat. He still hasn't washed it off, didn't even try despite holding onto the belief that it's all in his head.

Catarina peers at the screen and chuckles. "What unfortunate set of paws."

Magnus's heart skips a beat, then picks up the pace.

"What is it?" She asks.

He has actually thought about this before coming to Catarina, how to not make himself look like a fool when trying to find out if it's there or not. If she saw it, he'd make up a story. If she didn't see it, he'd go with some vague medical question.

"Oh," he says, "I just remembered this recently and dug through my files to find it. Madzie had created this for me one time when- when we watched her."

His throat feels tighter. It's like riding a rollercoaster he can't get off of. He created a fake story and stumbled right into a real memory of himself and Alexander looking after the little girl.

He needs to – he _has_  to – go back to the loft.

Catarina reads his face well. She takes his hand, holds it in both of hers.

"You'll be okay." She tells him. "Go home."

*

Magnus steps through the portal, his heart in his throat. Alec – not-Alec – is standing by one of the bookshelves, studying one of the little sculptures sitting there for decoration.

His eyes widen when he sees Magnus's expression and he walks over, long legs allowing him to move fast as always.

"Are you okay?" He reaches up to Magnus's cheek as he has done so many times, _before_.

Feeling the tingling from his touch, Magnus closes his eyes and puts his hand over Alec's. It almost feels like something's there, besides the charged air, almost like resistance.

"Are you here?" Magnus asks, not opening his eyes.

"I'm here." Alec replies immediately. "I'm here for you. For us."

"But you _can't_. You can't just be a- be a ghost."

"Magnus. I'm not hurting. I'm not 'tied down'." He says and Magnus desperately wants to believe this could be all right. "Please, don't worry about me. You knew I didn't want to go."

Alec makes him look up at him and he smiles. "I don't feel like I need to be anywhere but here. You're the only light that calls to me."

 

"Let me do this. Let me be with you."

"Okay." He whispers.

*

Madzie portals in to visit him five days later. She's so healthy, so happy, it makes Magnus feel better just to look at her. But when she looks at him, she wears the same expression Catarina does while around him these days.

"Air feels different here somehow." She says casually while sitting on his sofa.

"Does it? I couldn't say, not when I've been here all the time." He adds a little self-deprecatingly.

She hums thoughtfully. "As if you've been doing more magic inside."

Magnus glances at the blue armchair where Alec is currently seated. He's watching Madzie with that softness to his eyes he always had for her.

Then she changes the topic. "I heard you've been to the Spiral Labyrinth. Did you need help with something?"

"Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine."

He has been to a few places, yes. Alec has gone with him. Magnus was expecting him to be tied to the loft, but apparently he was not. Magnus went through many tomes, looking for relevant pieces of lore on ghosts but he either already knew some things or they didn't give him anything interesting. And with every place they went to, Magnus became convinced he did not want to send Alec, or not-Alec away. Not when he got to hear his commentary on the old libraries, on the people they saw, and when he couldn't be heard, Alec didn't hold back when he wanted to say he didn't like something. It was unfortunate that Magnus had to hold himself back from reacting because _he_  was still alive and visible.

At one of those moments, wanting to laugh at Alec's words, he realized he could live with this. There was something a little lighter inside him this first time he dared to do more than smile since the funeral.

 

Madzie eyes him like she's holding in something that she wants to say or ask. It scares him a little because what if she can guess he's seeing dead people? What if she knows the truth? But how could she?

"Did you know that in some places in the world," she begins, "before fear of ghosts and the various beliefs of a devil took over, there was more spread out belief that the dead stay sometimes with their beloved."

He rolls his eyes. "Or it's just those left behind seeing them everywhere because they really want to."

"Some believed only soulmates had strong enough connection to linger." She says. "And would not disappear when exorcised, unlike ghosts."

Magnus is doing his best not to look at Alec but it's hard when he's right there in his peripheral vision, so close he's almost within reach.

Soulmate is a term used for people who fit each other so well in life they should always be together. Best friends can be called soulmates. But that's just a romantic mundane term, not an actual, meaningful thing, isn't it?

What if it is?

"Well then, what happens next? One dies and the other haunts them until they both die?"

"One waits for the other until they can be together on the same side. I guess what's next differs depending on the region of the world, however, it was mostly believed they are reborn in the next life together."

Is Alexander his soulmate? Is he his _only_  soulmate? Who waited hundreds of years to be born, only to then leave Magnus for more hundreds of years? He can't help it, he looks over to Alec, who is returning his gaze. He gives Magnus a small smile, the encouraging one.

He needs to think about this. So he deflects her.

"Are you going to write a book on this?" He teases. "With your attractive friends?"

Madzie huffs. "She showed you photos?"

"My dear, if you didn't want Cat to share them, you should have kept them to yourself."

She rolls her eyes but she's smiling.

"I'll be coming to check on you again, probably soon. Maybe I'll bring some things I've collected most recently... after I sort them out."

"You know you can come whenever you wish."

She stands up, comes over to give him a kiss on his cheek, a ritual she's kept up since she was small.

Then she opens a portal for herself and before she steps through, she turns to Magnus once more.

"Take care of yourself until then. Love you." Then she waves at the living room. "You too, Alec."

And she's gone.

*

They keep looking for information. The go through books, through legends, don't dismiss hearsay.

What Magnus has feared doesn't happen- Alec doesn't fade, doesn't weaken, doesn't disappear. In fact, as they accidentally learn, he becomes more _there_  every time he's near when Magnus casts a spell. Every time they go through a portal, Magnus feels Alec's hand on his back or his hand.

In time, Magnus breathes easier because having Alec like this doesn't _hurt_. It doesn't make him desperate to have his husband back in his real form. And so, he thinks, maybe this isn't _wrong_.

Maybe there is such a thing as soulmates and it just happened that he's immortal and experiencing this. And if he's not "normal", maybe not-Alec doesn't have to be "normal" to be the one Magnus loved and loves.

 


End file.
